Last night, I was watching a program on TV called "Parenthood". Part of the story line was of a character who in last season had battled with cancer. In this episode, she had a follow up visit to the doctor and was very nervous about the outcome...is she cancer free or has it come back. I found myself actually feeling the same emotions that were being portrayed and was very surprised by it.
I have never had a health crisis such as cancer so when the portrayal tug at some of my emotional strings, I had to step back and take a look. It was then that I realized that before filing for bankruptcy, we were always in a state of worried anticipation about what would happen next. Every time we felt like we had healed a part of our financial life, there was something else facing us. It just seemed like it could never go away. We could not cure it, we just had to live with it! There was no plan for recovery, nobody telling us that if you do this, this and this, you have a good chance.
Going through the bankruptcy process, we realized that we had to figure this all out on our own. Maybe there is help someone out there to help through the process but we never found it. We trusted that once we sat in front of the attorney, he would guide us through the process. That did not happen either and from what I have heard, that is typical. No guidance, no sign posts, no list of directions! Just give us this information and you are done. We had no idea what to expect. Quite frankly, we still live with a looming possibility that something could be around the corner waiting to pounce on us.
In the episode last night, the character got the call that she was cancer free. What a relief! No worry until the next follow up visit. I wish there was something I could gage our financial life on. I wish I could get a follow up every six months for the next several years. I just want to know as I go along that I am financial ruin FREE!
BLURB
Friday, March 7, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
We aren't struggling as much!
I was recently watching something on TV called "How winning the lottery changed my life". I decided to watch it because I had nothing else to watch. They had story after story about people who won big money in the lottery and what they did with the money. I kid you not, in every single story I caught the winners saying the expression that "They did not have to struggle anymore" since they won the money. They had all bought things that "made their lives easier" that they always wanted.
So what occurred to me was this; is everyone struggling? Is everyone in their current financial situation struggling? Will only winning HUGE amounts of money stop the struggling? Why are so many struggling? These were not people who were living in poverty and had nothing. These were all people who had jobs and incomes but yet were struggling before they won the lottery.
Now, I have to say at this point that we struggle to make ends meet but only when our income is lower than we expected, like if my husband doesn't have as much overtime as usual. Then we have a very tough time and I feel the struggle. However, if our income stays the same, even though our income is extremely low, I do not feel like we are struggling.
Can it be that people are feel like they are struggling because they can not buy whatever they want? Is that the struggle they speak of? If that is so, it means that people are focusing way too much on what they do not have instead of being grateful for what they do have! The struggle, then, is internal...not external. Constantly feeling like you do not have enough will put you into a poverty mentality and you will always feel like you are struggling. To have to go through life like this is really, really hard!
Instead, going through life and accepting right where you are and being happy and grateful for what you have is where true peace lies!
So what occurred to me was this; is everyone struggling? Is everyone in their current financial situation struggling? Will only winning HUGE amounts of money stop the struggling? Why are so many struggling? These were not people who were living in poverty and had nothing. These were all people who had jobs and incomes but yet were struggling before they won the lottery.
Now, I have to say at this point that we struggle to make ends meet but only when our income is lower than we expected, like if my husband doesn't have as much overtime as usual. Then we have a very tough time and I feel the struggle. However, if our income stays the same, even though our income is extremely low, I do not feel like we are struggling.
Can it be that people are feel like they are struggling because they can not buy whatever they want? Is that the struggle they speak of? If that is so, it means that people are focusing way too much on what they do not have instead of being grateful for what they do have! The struggle, then, is internal...not external. Constantly feeling like you do not have enough will put you into a poverty mentality and you will always feel like you are struggling. To have to go through life like this is really, really hard!
Instead, going through life and accepting right where you are and being happy and grateful for what you have is where true peace lies!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Credit Cards
Someone asked me the other day why I did not use credit cards. It was regarding someone who asked me to buy something and I told them I did not have any money on me. She said that she would take a credit card and I told her that I did not have a credit card and she looked at me like I was an alien and said "that is really unusual". She then asked, "may I ask why?'. I thought for a moment about telling her why but instead I just said that I do not believe in them.
The truth of the matter is that I really do not believe in them. That is not to say that I do not believe that other people should not use them but it is to say that I do not believe I should use them! My financial life is so up and down. I have very little margin for error with our finances. Credit is a promise to pay at a later date of when you purchase and I just can not promise that I will be able to pay anything at a later date because I can not guarantee that I will have the money to do so!
Yes, we do have a steady income but we do not have anything extra. I found that when I did have credit cards, I spent more money on things that I did not really need. There is something about handing over a credit card to pay for something that it seems like you aren't really spending money. When you have $100 in your wallet and you go to the store where something costs $80 and you actually see that you will only have $20 left if you purchase this item, I find myself NOT purchasing it. I know that not everyone feels this way, and that is OK! It is just not OK for me! I have not used a credit card for over 10 years and I am not saying that to brag, I am saying that because you really don't need it!
There is plenty of credit available for you after you file bankruptcy. You get a million offers in the mail daily for about a year from every place possible that wants to give you credit. You are considered to be a lower risk because you can not file bankruptcy again. I feel like this is just sick, but it is the way of the world!
The truth of the matter is that I really do not believe in them. That is not to say that I do not believe that other people should not use them but it is to say that I do not believe I should use them! My financial life is so up and down. I have very little margin for error with our finances. Credit is a promise to pay at a later date of when you purchase and I just can not promise that I will be able to pay anything at a later date because I can not guarantee that I will have the money to do so!
Yes, we do have a steady income but we do not have anything extra. I found that when I did have credit cards, I spent more money on things that I did not really need. There is something about handing over a credit card to pay for something that it seems like you aren't really spending money. When you have $100 in your wallet and you go to the store where something costs $80 and you actually see that you will only have $20 left if you purchase this item, I find myself NOT purchasing it. I know that not everyone feels this way, and that is OK! It is just not OK for me! I have not used a credit card for over 10 years and I am not saying that to brag, I am saying that because you really don't need it!
There is plenty of credit available for you after you file bankruptcy. You get a million offers in the mail daily for about a year from every place possible that wants to give you credit. You are considered to be a lower risk because you can not file bankruptcy again. I feel like this is just sick, but it is the way of the world!
Monday, February 24, 2014
What bankruptcy does to your marriage - part 4
Things were not great between us once the move happened. All of the sudden I had to answer for everything I spent and I was not given any money to use for myself personally by him. This was very, very hard for me and my dislike for my husband was mounting! I felt like a prisoner in my own life. I had to show him receipts for everything I bought. This was all so humiliating for me. I could not stand the way he was treating me.
About six months after we moved, I was able to get a job caring for an elderly woman part time. It was not much money, but it was mine and I no longer had to depend on my husband for my personal needs. This was a huge step forward for me. It felt like my husband was trying to punish me, like a parent punishes a child when the child does something wrong. The bad part about that is that this situation was not all my fault but I was the one being punished for it. I am sure a marriage counselor would have a field day analyzing this one!
When you experience financial ruin and you are a married person, it is never one person's fault and until your relationship can get to a point where both take responsibility for that, nothing is going to be fixed...both in the relationship and with the finances!
A close friend of mine is also experiencing bankruptcy. She had an issue with gambling and basically went through all their money. Oh, her husband was very upset when she had to tell them that their only option was to file bankruptcy! But here is the thing...the only thing the husband would ever do with her was go to the casino. He loved going to the casino even though he knew she had a "problem" with gambling. He kept persuading her to go even though he knew she could not stop. She had a run of really good luck and won big several times. When she won big, she was the hero of the family! She lent those that needed money, money. She treated the family to things, paid for vacations and was just held in such high esteem by her family, especially her husband. Her gambling problem became an issues when her run on good luck ran out and she just could not win. She wanted to win because it was the only thing she did where she received love and appreciation from her family! Had her husband showered her with love for other things, she would not have had to fill that hole with gambling. So the financial ruin was due to both of them!
Our relationship has gone through so much but we are still married and are still committed to our marriage. Sometimes it felt like it would have been easier to walk away. What we have been through made us both stronger people and I really believe it made our marriage stronger because we had to fight so hard to keep it! We had to go over hurdles that are unimaginable but I really think most couples do. We lost so many things but by the love and grace of GOD we did not lose each other!
About six months after we moved, I was able to get a job caring for an elderly woman part time. It was not much money, but it was mine and I no longer had to depend on my husband for my personal needs. This was a huge step forward for me. It felt like my husband was trying to punish me, like a parent punishes a child when the child does something wrong. The bad part about that is that this situation was not all my fault but I was the one being punished for it. I am sure a marriage counselor would have a field day analyzing this one!
When you experience financial ruin and you are a married person, it is never one person's fault and until your relationship can get to a point where both take responsibility for that, nothing is going to be fixed...both in the relationship and with the finances!
A close friend of mine is also experiencing bankruptcy. She had an issue with gambling and basically went through all their money. Oh, her husband was very upset when she had to tell them that their only option was to file bankruptcy! But here is the thing...the only thing the husband would ever do with her was go to the casino. He loved going to the casino even though he knew she had a "problem" with gambling. He kept persuading her to go even though he knew she could not stop. She had a run of really good luck and won big several times. When she won big, she was the hero of the family! She lent those that needed money, money. She treated the family to things, paid for vacations and was just held in such high esteem by her family, especially her husband. Her gambling problem became an issues when her run on good luck ran out and she just could not win. She wanted to win because it was the only thing she did where she received love and appreciation from her family! Had her husband showered her with love for other things, she would not have had to fill that hole with gambling. So the financial ruin was due to both of them!
Our relationship has gone through so much but we are still married and are still committed to our marriage. Sometimes it felt like it would have been easier to walk away. What we have been through made us both stronger people and I really believe it made our marriage stronger because we had to fight so hard to keep it! We had to go over hurdles that are unimaginable but I really think most couples do. We lost so many things but by the love and grace of GOD we did not lose each other!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
What bankruptcy does to your marriage - Part 3
Imagine preparing yourself for a move to a new house that is bigger and better than your current house? Imagine the excitement that pours into the work of packing and cleaning while waiting for the move? Then think of what it would be like to have to pack and clean because your house is being taken away from you and having to come up with the energy to do all of this while your heart is breaking! Moving is not much fun when you really want to move so think of how awful it is when you are forced to move.
We had a sale a week before we were to make the big move and sold so many things that I had collected over the years. It was so hard for me to see it all go but I knew I had to do it. Moving was going to cost some money and we did not have any so I needed sell my things to make it. We also had no place to store most of our stuff. We rented a garage down the street from where we were going to be living but it was not big enough to fill the contents of a six room house plus a basement filled with things. For me, these were just things and I had to let them go. For my husband, he just could not let anything he had go! It was so hard for him!
All week long I kept telling my husband that he needed to make arrangements for moving. He needed help and he needed a moving van. He kept telling me not to worry about it but I was. I worked so hard all week packing, cleaning and throwing away, morning, noon and night. Finally the day came where we had to move and there was no moving van arranged, no help arranged and no real plan! It was like my husband was moving in slow motion and there was nothing I could do to change that! I was so utterly frustrated with him that I could not see straight! Instead of us working together, we were not even speaking to each other. I kept telling him to go through his things and start packing them up, but he did not pack up any of his belongings. He is so very picky about his "stuff" that no one dare touch it so this was something he needed to do on his own. So, the day we were supposed to be moving, he was going through his stuff! There was no margin for error here. The bank would be there at 9:00 the next morning to collect the keys!
That day was such a blur to me because I was crying the entire day! I moved as many boxes as I was able and did as much as I could to help. At one point, my husband told me to leave because all we were doing was arguing with each other. I found something else to do and went back about 6:00 that night, thinking that everything was almost done. To my total and utter amazement, it looked like nothing had been touched since I left over 6 hours before. I was in a total state of panic! He just was not getting the job done! This was a total nightmare!
By the next morning, I went back over to the house and once again started packing more things into the car to move. I knew the bank would be there at 9:00 and they were. Emotionally, I could not handle the turning of the keys over so I had to leave. My husband must have negotiated something with them to give him more time to move things out of the basement (because the basement was still full). My sister came over and asked how she could help and I had no idea what to tell her. She saw that all my Christmas decorations were still in the basement and I told her I had to just leave them because I did not have the energy to move them. She told me that she was not about to let me lose my Christmas decorations and proceeded to move everything out.
Finally, we were moved out! But how was this marriage going to be saved?
We had a sale a week before we were to make the big move and sold so many things that I had collected over the years. It was so hard for me to see it all go but I knew I had to do it. Moving was going to cost some money and we did not have any so I needed sell my things to make it. We also had no place to store most of our stuff. We rented a garage down the street from where we were going to be living but it was not big enough to fill the contents of a six room house plus a basement filled with things. For me, these were just things and I had to let them go. For my husband, he just could not let anything he had go! It was so hard for him!
All week long I kept telling my husband that he needed to make arrangements for moving. He needed help and he needed a moving van. He kept telling me not to worry about it but I was. I worked so hard all week packing, cleaning and throwing away, morning, noon and night. Finally the day came where we had to move and there was no moving van arranged, no help arranged and no real plan! It was like my husband was moving in slow motion and there was nothing I could do to change that! I was so utterly frustrated with him that I could not see straight! Instead of us working together, we were not even speaking to each other. I kept telling him to go through his things and start packing them up, but he did not pack up any of his belongings. He is so very picky about his "stuff" that no one dare touch it so this was something he needed to do on his own. So, the day we were supposed to be moving, he was going through his stuff! There was no margin for error here. The bank would be there at 9:00 the next morning to collect the keys!
That day was such a blur to me because I was crying the entire day! I moved as many boxes as I was able and did as much as I could to help. At one point, my husband told me to leave because all we were doing was arguing with each other. I found something else to do and went back about 6:00 that night, thinking that everything was almost done. To my total and utter amazement, it looked like nothing had been touched since I left over 6 hours before. I was in a total state of panic! He just was not getting the job done! This was a total nightmare!
By the next morning, I went back over to the house and once again started packing more things into the car to move. I knew the bank would be there at 9:00 and they were. Emotionally, I could not handle the turning of the keys over so I had to leave. My husband must have negotiated something with them to give him more time to move things out of the basement (because the basement was still full). My sister came over and asked how she could help and I had no idea what to tell her. She saw that all my Christmas decorations were still in the basement and I told her I had to just leave them because I did not have the energy to move them. She told me that she was not about to let me lose my Christmas decorations and proceeded to move everything out.
Finally, we were moved out! But how was this marriage going to be saved?
Thursday, February 20, 2014
How bankruptcy affects your marriage - feeling all alone!
This just about sums up how I felt while going through this financial hell!
So, continuing from my last post, I received the letter from the bank that our house was in foreclosure. I had to tell my husband and I waited several days because I was scared to death to tell him. What was I afraid of? I was afraid that this would push him over the edge. He was already in pain and humiliated that he could not produce enough of an income to support our family. He already felt like he lost so much when we had to close the restaurant and subsequently lose the building. He had blamed me for that loss and I still had not totally forgiven him on the way that he treated me then.
You see, when we got married, my husband always thought that I was a "smart" woman and that he would be able to count on me if we ever got into any difficult situations. So he thought he would never have to worry about struggle because I was smart enough to get us out of anything. I could not go to work and get a job because the IRS would have taken every dime of what I made because of business taxes that we still owed. I felt powerless to help us get out from under this mess. But the worse thing was...I could not talk to him about it because every time I tried, he said something to stop the conversation. He just could not communicate with me because deep down inside, he just thought I would come up with a solution. So he just kept going to work everyday and really never checked in on my pain or the pain that was going on at home!
When I sat down to tell him that our house was in foreclosure I did not beat around the bush. I just told him straight out where we stood and how and why we got here. He immediately got so mad that I thought his blood pressure was going to pour out of his eyes! He yelled and yelled and then yelled some more! He told me how this was all my fault and how could I have let this happen. He did not physically lay a hand on me but he beat me up! I was already in pain as well and was trying desperately to deal with that and now I have my husband just hanging me out to dry! This was very painful! I had no one to comfort me! I was trying to comfort him and respecting his anger but I was pushed away. Again, I had no one to comfort me and boy, did I need it! He told me it was my problem to resolve and walked out of the room.
He did not speak to me or even look at me for two weeks. Two weeks when I am trying to figure out what the hell to do and how to move forward from this and I had no one. At this point, no one else knew what was going on. Somehow, I had three weeks to figure out a way out of this or pack up and move this entire household to who knows where. What a huge, gigantic load this was for me...and again, I was all alone!
Next post: Moving!!!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
What bankruptcy does to your marriage.
I have much to say about how financial problems can affect a marriage relationship. My next several blogs will be about this because it is a huge subject and affects so many people.
If you think that nothing like this could or would affect your marriage...think again! Unlike other tragedies in life like a health diagnosis or a death of someone close, a financial crisis usually will tear a relationship apart. Why? One word...BLAME! There is so much blame that is thrown around when financial things happen that it tears people away from each other instead of bringing them together. It is like it takes all the bad things in your relationship and magnifies by 180%.
In my case there are many reasons why our relationship was shredded but here are some of the basics. My husband lost his job and his job was our main income source. He was unable to find a job that paid even 1/3 of what he was making. I kept telling him how hard it was for me to make ends meet. He would get paid and after paying SOME of the bills we would only have $25 to last until the next pay day in 15 days. He just told me that I would figure it out. I don't know if he thought I was just being dramatic or not telling him the truth but he really did not help me. I felt like our financial problem was somehow my problem to fix and that was very frustrating. I kept telling him that we did not have enough to get by but he just shrugged it off. Deep down inside, I know that he was mad at me about our financial problems. He would never come out and say that, of course, because that was an argument he would never win!
So things just kept getting worse. As each month went by, there were more and more bills that did not get paid because I needed the money to live off of and buy food. I had two kids to feed and take care of as well. This went on for about 8 months and our relationship became more and more burdened. We were barely communicating with each other at this point and I felt more and more alone. Here we were, a married couple, dealing with a financial ruin and I felt like I was all alone. I was also desperately trying to keep this our dirty little secret so no one would know.
When the letter arrived from the bank about foreclosing on our house, there was a little part of me that was relieved. After going what I had gone through the last 8 months, I knew something had to give. I knew we could not afford to live in this house anymore. I even knew that we could not afford to sell it because selling it meant that we would have to make some repairs that we did not have money for. I knew that we could probably find someone to borrow the money from to get us out of foreclosure but we would not be able to pay them back and would soon find ourselves back in the same situation. Even though I absolutely did not want to lose my house, there was a feeling of some sort of relief.
But now I had to tell him! As I recall, I knew about the letter several days before I told him because I knew it was going to be bad, I just did not know HOW bad!
More on this in my next post!
If you think that nothing like this could or would affect your marriage...think again! Unlike other tragedies in life like a health diagnosis or a death of someone close, a financial crisis usually will tear a relationship apart. Why? One word...BLAME! There is so much blame that is thrown around when financial things happen that it tears people away from each other instead of bringing them together. It is like it takes all the bad things in your relationship and magnifies by 180%.
In my case there are many reasons why our relationship was shredded but here are some of the basics. My husband lost his job and his job was our main income source. He was unable to find a job that paid even 1/3 of what he was making. I kept telling him how hard it was for me to make ends meet. He would get paid and after paying SOME of the bills we would only have $25 to last until the next pay day in 15 days. He just told me that I would figure it out. I don't know if he thought I was just being dramatic or not telling him the truth but he really did not help me. I felt like our financial problem was somehow my problem to fix and that was very frustrating. I kept telling him that we did not have enough to get by but he just shrugged it off. Deep down inside, I know that he was mad at me about our financial problems. He would never come out and say that, of course, because that was an argument he would never win!
So things just kept getting worse. As each month went by, there were more and more bills that did not get paid because I needed the money to live off of and buy food. I had two kids to feed and take care of as well. This went on for about 8 months and our relationship became more and more burdened. We were barely communicating with each other at this point and I felt more and more alone. Here we were, a married couple, dealing with a financial ruin and I felt like I was all alone. I was also desperately trying to keep this our dirty little secret so no one would know.
When the letter arrived from the bank about foreclosing on our house, there was a little part of me that was relieved. After going what I had gone through the last 8 months, I knew something had to give. I knew we could not afford to live in this house anymore. I even knew that we could not afford to sell it because selling it meant that we would have to make some repairs that we did not have money for. I knew that we could probably find someone to borrow the money from to get us out of foreclosure but we would not be able to pay them back and would soon find ourselves back in the same situation. Even though I absolutely did not want to lose my house, there was a feeling of some sort of relief.
But now I had to tell him! As I recall, I knew about the letter several days before I told him because I knew it was going to be bad, I just did not know HOW bad!
More on this in my next post!
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