Vulnerability

***MY APOLOGIES*** to all my readers.  I just recently found out that my "Join the site" button on my blog was not working.  I removed the button since it did not work.  At the very bottom of the blog, there is a place to sign up to get the blog posts sent to your email box if you would like to get them.  So sorry for any inconvenience.

A few years ago my sister had tongue cancer.  It was so difficult for me, her sister, to witness all the pain and uncertainty that she experienced.  She is cancer free and we are all very optimistic about her future.  Periodically she has to go back and get tests run to make sure there is nothing showing up either in the form of cancer or related to the therapy she received to eliminate it.  When the appointment time draws near, she finds herself feeling very vulnerable and anxious.  The results of the appointment can mean to continue life as she knows it or the uncertainty of her life having to face yet another health crisis.  The very thought of having to go through it all again can leave her in a state of upset.

This sort of vulnerability can attack the bankrupt/financially ruined person as well.  You just sort of keep living your life to the best of your ability hoping that you are in control of your money and that nothing is looming around the corner that make you feel that horrible feeling of uncertainty.  This feeling is a bit overwhelming when you have NO money to back up anything.  It almost feels like there might be something out their that bends me so far that I break, something that I can not fix!

I know that you are thinking, "After all you have been through how is it possible that something more could happen to cause you to break!".  Mind you, in general, I do not normally think like this.  But there are times when I experience something that I just did not see coming and until it is resolved, I feel so totally and utterly vulnerable.  To me, vulnerability means being in a state of uncertainty that you might not be able to handle a particular situation or you do not want to handle a particular situation should it occur.  It does seem ridiculous to be concerned about something that may or may not happen and there is no defending that.  However, when you have been to HELL and back, you just do not want to go back.

I do feel that I spent a lot of time and energy covering my butt to try to make sure I protect myself as much as possible from any "surprises".  On the other hand, with all I learned, I know that even though you try to protect yourself, life happens anyway.  Maybe I just need to accept whatever happens!