Tuesday, February 11, 2014

After the last post...I am a jerk!

OK, OK after my last post, I am a complete jerk!  This thing really has bothered me...but it isn't what you think!  The way I have reacted to it is what has bothered me the most.  But I have had an awareness that might, just might, help me to get past it.

You see, the person I wrote about was one of my siblings.  Since I wrote the last post (and I think that really helped me) I have realized that I become very jealous of anyone in my family that has something positive happen in their life.  I am incapable of feeling happy for them.  I realized that anyone else in my life, friends and other aquiantances I am always happy for when they have improved or achieved something in their life.  But not my siblings, I can not even fake it!  I had to look closer!  Even though this is probably more complex, the truth of the matter is that somewhere along the way I have become jealous of my siblings.

Jealous people are insecure.  They don't feel good about themselves so they don't want other people to feel good about themselves.  OMG that is me!  But the thing of it is that I am very secure with myself when it comes to other people so why this insecurity when it comes to my family members?  Did I attach my financial life to my worth inside my family?  And once my financial life was ruined was my worth inside my family ruined as well?

I really do not know the answers right now, however, I believe that since the awareness of this came to light...that is half the battle.  I do not want to be at odds with the people in my family.  I want to have loving relationships with all of them.  This jealousy thing has kept me from that. Even more than that is the fact that it also kept me from loving myself.

I have to stop feeling like my life isn't any good just because I do not have much in the way of things and have no money for extravagent things.  I have to see the value of my life and understand that if the rest of the world (or just my family) doesn't see it, no matter!  So what! I have to end the battle in my mind that I am nothing because I financially lost everything.  It is a belief that simply is not true and is not serving me!