Friday, February 7, 2014

Just when I thought I was getting better...

Today I am having some problems.  I have been going back and forth all day trying to decide if I was going to write about this.  Since I am here, I decided to write because I am hoping it will straighten me out.

I try very hard every day to not focus on what I don't have or what I can't have or do.  This is not easy to do because our natural tendency as human beings is to want, want, want.  However, this way of thinking will bring so much suffering because you are resisting reality when you want, want, want!  So, like most human beings, I am not perfect at this, getting better, but not perfect.

Someone close to me just told me that she was taking her family to Disneyland.  I was so surprised by internal reaction!  I wanted to scream!  I wanted to tell her not to tell me anything about it because I did not want to hear about something that reminded me of what I could NOT do.  I wanted to shake her and ask her if it felt good to "brag" to me about something she could afford but I couldn't.  I wanted to ask her if being able to afford to go to Disneyland made her feel superior to people who could not?  All these thoughts racing through my head yet I said nothing.

Funny thing was that I knew, deep down inside, that she never thought anything about how it must feel to me and I know she had no bad intent whatsoever!  I don't really want anyone to walk on glass around me but I do want people to understand that I am sensitive about what can be bought when you have money.  After what I have been through, can you blame me!  When I can barely pay for my son's medications and have no room for any kind of emergency that may come up, it is hard for me to imagine having anything for a vacation!

I know, I know, I sound like a whiny person who complains about something so stupid but today I just can not seem to shake this.  It is on my mind and something is just unsettling to me.  I do not want this kind of stuff to bother me.  I want to be past this.  I want to be free of this!  How does someone heal from this?  I thought I had more faith.  I thought I was beyond this.  I thought I was above this way of thinking.  What happened?